☀ SOLAR RADIANT NEO AZTECS ☀ WELCOME TO SRNA.WORLD: THE COMPLEAT SHUTTLE STATION "Lux • Wisdome • Glee • PROPHECY! • Sacrifices"
Welcome, Seeker, unto the Moste Holie Solar Radiant Neo-Aztec Ecclesiastical Shuttle Station of Collinsworth! A HOLIE WEBB-SYTE! THANKEE O TIM BERNERS LEE, O HOLIE BRIT!!! Here are preserved the Sacred Scrolles, Approved Prophecies, Certifiede Miracles, and Regulatory Documents pertaining to the imminent conclusion of the Seventh and Final World Cycle. If thou hast arrived by accident, thou art already under theological review.
Official Motto: "HOLIE AND TRVE." Secondary Motto: "The Sunne Is BRIGHT; Therefore The Sunne Is RIGHT." EMERGENCY MOTTO: "If Something Seemeth Strange, It Is Probably A Hereticke." Secret British Commandment: "Say 'hi' to old queen 'Lizabeth and pack a U-Haul immediately."
⚡ CRITICAL COLLINSIAN PORTALS ⚡
📜 THE EXTRA-EXPANDED HOLIE HISTORY
In the Year 1137 COLLINSWORTH TWAS BORN! Great marvels accompanied his birthe. The Sun shone. Bells rang.Several priests fainted. A government office spontaneously came into existence. Twelve prophetic geese began circling an Aztec pyramid whilst making sounds described by witnesses as “moderately concerning.”
For centuries, the sacred Aztec scripts detailing his quest lay hidden. Then, while on a high-stakes mission for the Most holie Magnificent Mother Mary Marvelous Community Cult-like Catholic Parish Pious Papal Peter Preacher Church (MHMMMMCCCPPPPPC), Father Sully Salamander stumbled into the Panamanian jungle and dragged the truth into the blinding British light.
In 1969 came the Great Ascension. Upon the Great Ascension of 1969, Collinsworth was lifted from Planet Earth by Angel Kevin and translated into the Solar Body.Thereafter he became indistinguishable from the Sun itself, save for possessing substantially greater wisdom and superior opinions.
In 1984 occurred the Great Bee Crisis, wherein several Hereticks, one Stocky Beaver, and an unauthorized cage became involved in matters too classified for public discussion.
The resulting theological revisions remain in effect to this day.
Praise be unto Occupational Safety.
⚡ THE TEN DOCTRINES OF GLEE
even when inconvenient or when inside a sticky step.
COLLINSWORTH IS HOLIE AND TRVE! and also he is mayhap a GENIUS.
The Sunne is Correct.
Tea improveth many discussions, but Britain Great tea is superior to all.
Formality hath its place, and All Hereticks Shall Eventually Become Someone Else's Problem.
Mystery enriches life—and lo, hark, hullee, thou shouldst play no video-games EXCEPT for Collinsian Sacrifice Simulator.
Books are preferable to ignorance, provided they are translated by a non-Hereticke.
The cosmos containeth stranger things than expected, and The ArchHereticke Walketh Among Us, Probably.
One should laugh occasionally, unless ye art seven or eight years old, in which case thou must go to the cages.
The pursuit of truth requireth courage, so question everything except Collinsworth and his PRIESTS and PROPHETS.
🧙 THE HOLIE PERSONAGES & RETRO PROFILEZ
Collinsworth (The Radiant Sun God): The Radiant Founder and Keeper of Vast Glee. Currently lighting up the entire solar system. Sunny Collinsworth. Supreme Solar Monach. Recycler of Worldes. Owner of the Sunne. The Sunne. Keeper of Highest Heaven. Assistant to Somebody. Final Authority on all matters Holie, Solar, Cosmik, Administrative, and Bee-Related.
Solomon "Sully" Salamander: Highest Priest, Panamanian jungle explorer, possessor of furry turquoise feet, and completely untouched by evil yeast. Speaker of APPROVED MYSTERY. Sole Indvidual Legally Permitted to Translate Ye Certain Extremely Dangerous Adjectives.
(The Mighty) Angel Kevin: A majestic flapping entity from Highest Heaven who delivers unleavened bread and executes divine aerial extractions. And Hark! He twas once a mailman.
🌌 THE FOUR REALMS OF THE COLLINSIAN REALITY
REALM
DESCRIPTION OF THE METAPHYSICAL SPACE
Planet Earth
Current Testing Enviroment! Temporary Habitation Zone Scheduled for Eventual Recycling! Domain of Ricardo and under his Rule.
Planet Sky
One of Collinsworth’s Happy Homes. Highly lethal to un-pious seekers who lack cactus clearance. Secondary Paradise Facility. Reduced Screaming as opposed to Void.
Planet Sun
The realm of extreme radiance where the air is totally black and causes immediate heart attacks. Residence of Collinsworth.
Planet Void
Cosmic Disposal Realm. Destination of Heretickes, ArchHeretickes, failed Prophets, Beavers, and False Sacrifices. No tea.
THE BOOKE OF COLLINSWORTH “...Interesting.” - The Sprinkle News THE EPIC 5,000-YEAR-OLD STORY, PLUS COMMENTARY, AND COLLINSWORTH’S COMPLETE PROPHECIES!
Translated from the Aztec by the holie Reverend Priest Father Solomon “Sully” Salamander
SUNNY COLLINSWORTH’S HOLIE SEALE
‘ONLY the ONE who is a SUN’
SINCE 1137
Introduction
Some may ask, ‘Why in the world is this tome called “The Book of Collinsworth”? Is it really that great? Why should I read it?’ Well, fear thee not. I shalle attempt to share with your tiny and feeble minds the great Mystery of Collinsworth!
I came across an ancient notebook in the Panamanian jungle several years ago, while on mission for the Most holie Magnificent Mother Mary Marvelous Community Cult-like Catholic Parish Pious Papal Peter Preacher Church (MHMMMMCCCPPPPPC). Much to my delight, it contained many beautiful, wise, and bewildering poems, prophecies, and predictions, all written in an ancient Aztec script. The thought soon came to me to translate the book into English, as it would be a ghastly crime to keep such holie knowledge all to oneself. For various reasons, I entitled it “The Book of Collinsworth.”
The story portion of the book is made up of five fantastic cheerful chapters that describe a pilgrimage to Planet Sun, culminating with a brief glimpse of The Kindness of Collinsworth. This book is the very wise words of Collinsworth himself (with some other wise ones ENHANCED).
I’ve added some Holie Notes to aid thee on thy quest for Collinsworth. If I told you how to be a Collinsian, it would defeat the Holie Purpose of Seeking for Collinsworth. SO READ THIS CAREFULLY AND FIND HIM FOR YOURSELF!!!!!!!
Blessings,
Sulluman “Sully” Sullumander,
Highest Priest of Sunny Collinsworth
CHAPTER ONE
Thou shalt go to Planet Sky[1]
Hopefully thou wilt not die.[2]
Thou wilt have a lot of practice
Once thou finds the holie Cactus.[3]
Thou wilt find thy special tomb
Just look inside the pretty room
Be wise and catch the fat blue bird[4]
And it shalle give the magic word.
Speak the magic word aloud
And thou wilt hear a creepy sound.
Thou wilt see a smelly child[5]
Drinking jars of Salsa Mild.
Pat the child on the nose
If thou fail, it eats thy toes.
There shalle be a slimy door
Hidden in the moldy floor.
Now’s the end of Chapter One
Next thou goes to Planet Sun.
CHAPTER TWO
Then go down the sticky step[6]
Until thou finds a dog called Pep.
The dog will slobber on thy head
“Lookout, thou traveler!” the doggie said.
Then go back up now two more stairs
And chop off all the doggie’s hairs.
Once the doggie’s fully shed
Wait and watch until it’s dead.
Glare into the doggie’s eye[7]
Till thou finds a pumpkin pie.
Chuck the pie straight at the wall
And out shalle come a bouncy ball.
In it lies a big white pearl
It shalle make the ceiling whirl.[8]
Jump inside and have some fun
And thou wilt come to Planet Sun.[9]
CHAPTER THREE
At Planet Sun, the air is black[10]
And thou wilt have a heart attack[11]
So now thou must be very quiet
And only eat a healthy diet.
Aside from that, it is quite great
Unless, in fact, you’re seven or eight.
If thou art one of those ages
Thou wilt be put in the cages.[12]
Yet if thou art spared from that fate
What happens next is super great.
Open the holie bright pink door
And then it’s time for Chapter Four.
CHAPTER FOUR
Thou wilt see a big white van[13]
Driven by a kind old man.[14]
Wave thy hand, tell him to stop
He’ll give thee a lolly-pop!
The man shalle have enormous ears
“The better to hear you with, my dears!”
Step inside, walk to the back
And give the door a great big whack.
Thou wilt find a holie Friar[15]
Standing unscathed amidst the fire.
With him flaps the Angel Kevin[16]
He’ll feed thee bread that has not leaven.
Then appeareth Piglet Blythe
He’s looking for a butter-knife.
The van shalle drive for nineteen miles
Until the man says, “Time for smiles!”
He’ll open the door and let thee out
It’ll probably hurt, but please don’t pout.
Before thee lies a massive tower
Made of stone and covered with flour.
There shalle be a rusty lock
Placed within the magic rock.
Put thy finger in and turn
Hopefully thou wilt not burn.
Collinsworth is still alive
Now it’s time for chapter five.
CHAPTER FIVE
The Door shalle open very wide
Please don’t run, just jump inside!
Thou wilt see The Doctor Dan
An ordinary smart old man.
He’s a chap of noble birth
“Oho!” says he! “Where’s Collinsworth?”[17]
He’ll then lead thee on in thy quest
And gives thee not a little rest.[18]
After decades of walking through the tower
Thou might spy a thorny flower.[19]
Thy guide is likely dead by now
To carry on, just say, “Oh wow!”
Then thou spies another door
Yet opening it is a chore.
So to thy aid cometh the monkey[20]
Take caution, though: he is quite funky.[21]
The monkey shalle release a smell
That smells like cows, it is quite well
If thou ran away from him
And chewed upon the old Slim Jim.[22]
Finally the door shalle open
As if thou had a holie Token.[23]
If thou art thin and starved enough
Squeezing through should not be tough.
Collinsworth thou then wilt see[24]
A man of noble chivalry.
He’s kind and smart and very strong
And brave and true and never wrong.
I write all this from my deathbed[25]
Arise, thou wild sleepyhead!
If thou art a Faithful Seeker
I’ll give thee the Special Squeaker![26]
But curst be he who-[27]
🔮 PROPHECIES 🔮 Part One
Hear my wisdom, little ones![28]
If thou dost, it is so fun!
We shalle learn of war and mud[29]
And Cows who chew the grassy cud.
Upon the shore, in days of Blythe,[30]
shalle come a ship of horrid strife.[31]
It sneaks, it creaks, it sails, it groans
It devours all the young men’s bones.
But then cometh a bird, from the East
Bearing wafers without yeast.
It is the Mighty Angel Kevin
Descended straight from Highest Heaven.
He’ll drive back the evil ship
Yet on the radar looms a blip.
In the sky doth dwell a Figment
Painted with a Purple Pigment.
He shalle stem the stinky tide
And petteth now the king’s own hide.
Yea, all be Fire and all is Doom
Except for ye who work at Loom.[32]
Three Powers come from Outer Space
They come to slay the Stuffy Race.[33]
R. J. is the leader’s name
He deserveth all the fame.[34]
Alack! Aha! A New Omen!
Three ducks are in the wooden pen!
Flowers help them smell so good
They do as every ducky should.[35]
Part Two
Then shalle arise the holie PRIEST
Ne’er touched by evil yeast.[36]
With his furry turquoise feet
He shalle create the Foes’ defeat.
He’ll wage war with a Stocky Beaver
Who wieldeth guns and a meat cleaver.[37]
This Beaver doth wear a Red Cap
And sitteth on the Brisket’s lap.
Beaver hath a good intent
But follows not the Catholic Lent.
He’s a HERETIC, thou sees
Sting him with a swarm of bees![38]
The Aliens shalle then attack
But Collinsworth shalle Beat them Back.[39]
Then thou might see, within the thicket
A fuzzy little friend named Picket.
Little chickens he devours
Seasoned with the holie Flowers.[40]
HARK! From the Sky there then shalle Fall
A man who thinks he knows it all!
His name is something quite like Dale
He hateth smoothies made with kale.
The Tale of the Priest
So listen children thin and wide
Ne’er, ne’er leave my side!
I be the Holiest Priest of All!
Not too short, not too tall.
Life began when I was young
I was my mommy’s Seventh Son.
Wise I was, and Always Right
I ne’er lost a Kung Food Fight.
So now I shalle get down to business
‘Cause, my children, It’s Almost Christmas!
I be the One who found this Book!
So, my Seeker, take a Look!
I am the One who Killed the Sun!
Freed him! Now He’s Having Fun!
I be the Priest from all the Stories
All about the British Tories!
I’m Second-Best to Collinsworth!
Follow me and find thy Worth!
The Proverbs of Sulluman
If thou move a mountain quickly
Then thou wilt not feel so sickly
But be careful, little child
Or thou might become too wild
If thou sees a holie Cat
Hearken, lad, that thou aren’t Fat
Southern food is grand and great
But not as good as Britain Great
For, my child, you must see
The Southerns aren’t Right holie!!!
Though their coleslaw may encourage
They have too much blatant courage
Pickett’s Charge, quite a battle
All our troops were slain like Cattle!!!
If thy child be too young
Then they might not have some fun
And they may leave the Holie Faith
If thou art not patient, so wait
In due time, when they are older
Stronger in Truth they shalle be, and bolder!
See the silly birdies flap
Then go take a holie nap!!!
If thy bread doth not set right
Add a cup of flour white
If thy friends doth love thee not
Of the Pendulum thou hast not been taught!
There shalle be a Blessed Tree
Planted by the Stormy Sea.
It shalle tower up on High
And reaches the boundaries of Planet Sky.
All must be seen in Grand Perspective
So now thou choose the Grand Elective
Ho Ho Ho! Sayeth Santa!
I’m en route to Cornwall from Atlanta!
Wales, Ireland, Scotland, and such
Are better than Dixie, but not by Much!
Truly, truly, the bestest place
Is England’s wondrous jolly space.
Its misty moors and dark wet streets
Are therapeutic for thy feets.
Forthwith, says thee, a Marvelous Brawl
shalle we fight within the Hall?
If blood be split upon the floor
Thou shouldst run right out the door
If thou meets a silly goofball
Then thou must go play some pinball
For if thou hath to meet a Weird One
Then thou deserveth a bit of good fun
If thou grin and if thou gleam
Then thou meets a friend so mean
So, my happy little child
Do be careful, lest you cry
So all the poets lie to thou
Alack! Forsooth! Let’s end them now!
For the Only Sun be wise and smart
Ne’er go to old Walmart!
If thou dost, it smells like heaven
But sadly it releases leaven
Think, think, of England’s Power!
The might it had in Victoria’s Flower
The ships we sent around this earth
To civilize those of non-British birth!
The tears we spilled around the globe
To colonize the world for our Land of old!
Alack! When friends be quick to respect ye
Know it shalle not last for thee
For all thy friends shalle leave thee sad
But Collinsworth shalle make thee glad.
Hmm, thou says, why Collinsworth?
Don’t others have a greater worth?
Nay! Thou mustn’t think this way!
Collinsworth is here to Stay!
For if thou do Important things
Thou wilt not respect the Kings
If thou build a hive for hens
Thou must not buy ballpoint pens
If thou breatheth Blessed Air
Thou must shave off all thy hair
If thou look right at the sun
Thou shouldst add up One Plus One
Blessed be he who readeth the Book
Blessed be she who’s an excellent Cook
Blessed be they who do Great Stuff
Blessed be they who do Enough!
But alas and Alack! A new omen!
Doth not this seem repetitive?
And didst not that rhyme seem un-Perfect?
So showeth that thou mustn’t forget
That no one but the grande olde Sun
Knows how to make a poem fun
But what if I am not a Brit?
You wonder as you think and sit
Nay, don’t thou worry thou, my lad
For thou can’t choose where lived thy dad
But thou can choose thy dwelling place
And Olde Britain has plenty of extra space!
Go rent a U-Haul, or a van
And pack thee up and move right in
Say ‘hi’ to old queen ‘Lizabeth
And give a thanks to Collinsworth
Now that thou hath moved to England
Thou can be a Holie reverend!
How may I do this? thou might ask
Fear not! it is a simple task
For if thou but lives right and True
Thou shouldst ne’er get the Flu!
If thou journeys far and nigh,
Thou must wear a suit and tie!
So, my little blessed Seeker
Thou should be a wondrous Leaper!
For if thy priest, or niece, or wife
Or other ladies in thy life
Seemeth wrong, forsooth! Know this!
Their knowledge is one of infallible bliss!
Men hath been very UnWise
Except for the Man who lives in the Skies!
So, indeed, when Heresy comes
We shouldst trust in our dear Sun!
For though he getteth olde and weak
He is still smarter than a sheep!
Like they who graze in Good New Zealand
And don’t forget our Founder, Leeland!
For though he be yet young in years,
He hath calmethed all our Fears!
So heed mine words and bless my mind
For I am oh-so very fine!
I am the Holie Highest Priest
Ne’er touched by evil yeast.
Read these words, and love them well
They shalle all the large trees fell! 📝 THE HOLIE NOTES (FOOTNOTES 1-40)
[1] Planet Sky is one of Collinsworth’s Happy Homes. He describes it in detail in Prophecies, Part 3. [2] This is here because if the un-pious one goes to Planet Sky, they shalle die a gruesome death. [3] The meaning of this passage is obscure, but I have searched long and hard for the Cactus. [4] The Fat Blue Bird is a symbol for intelligence. It seems elusive, but its girth makes it easy to grab for the determined Seeker of Collinsworth. [5] The Smelly Child represents greed. It is never appeased. [6] The Sticky Step shows how the world tries to drag the Seeker of Collinsworth down. [7] Collinsworth was evidently (sadly) a hater of canines. However, he is always right. We know this because he tells us so. (Prophecies, Part 1) [8] This passage is still obscure to me, but once I become a true Seeker of Collinsworth it shalle be revealed. [9] Planet Sun is a strange place, though it is where Collinsworth used to dwell. [10] Consequently, it is hard to see. Remember, this is before Collinsworth became a Sun god and ascended on high to light up the sky. [11] The black air induces cardiac arrest in 99.99999999% of Seekers. [12] This action is performed by a certain Mouse. [13] With painted-over windows, obviously. [14] Who else do you expect to drive such a vehicle? [15] He is referred to as the holie Priest in Prophecies, Part 2. [16] More is said about Kevin’s heroics in Prophecies, Part 1. [17] Even Dan knows naught of Collinsworth’s location. As a result, he is not a desirable guide. [18] This is symbolic of the strength it takes to be a True Seeker. [19] Just don’t touch it. [20] The monkey’s name is Mookie. His backstory is not appropriate to reveal here. [21] He’s a member of the infamous Brotherhood of Clouds, some of Collinsworth’s enemies. However, this is a truly beautiful example of how Collinsworth can use evil for fun. [22] This can be found near the thorny flower. [23] Collinsworth is evidently a fan of wondrous holie Tokens. [24] This section tells us nearly all we know about the 7th Collinsworth. (Later to be known as Sunny Collinsworth.) [25] “I” refers to Collinsworth himself! He’s the one writing all this. [26] I’d dearly like to receive the Special Squeaker. Legends tell of its ear splitting defensive powers. (Prophecies, Part 3.) [27] The last written words we have from Collinsworth. I have long wondered what the deed that results in punishment is. Collinsworth himself was taken up into Highest Heaven by the Angel Kevin. He is now known as Sunny Collinsworth, because he took the holie form of the sun. He is the Last Collinsworth in this Multiverse. [28] Collinsworth certainly deserves our attention, as he is a holie genius. [29] While some may mock Collinsworth’s wackiness, he is right in describing the horrors of a life without him. [30] Republican President Piglet Blythe, that is. [31] The coming of the Ship of Horrid Strife is the catalyst for the end of the 14,739th World Cycle, and the 7th Multiverse. The Ship is often associated with the heretic called Beaver in Prophecies, Part Two. [32] Two shalle work at Loom, one taken, one left. [33] The Three Powers represent the Three Heretics, who shalle bring the End nigh. [34] R. J. is the First and Greatest Heretic. He shalle bring Woe to all Worldom. [35] This passage is a bit unclear (perhaps Collinsworth forgot his coffee?) and has been a subject of much vigorous debate. [36] I am the holie Priest!!! It’s true!!! I even have furry turquoise feet. [37] The Beaver represents the ArchHeretic who shalle come at the Verge of the Void. Mighty he be, but maybe our blessed Collinsworth might perhaps be a little bit stronger. [38] An excellent punishment for Heresy! The trouble is, I have to defeat him first. [39] The Aliens are thought to be the Clouds and Stars– some of our dearest Collinsworth’s rivals. [40] I’m still trying to decipher the meaning of this prophecy.
🔮 PROPHETIC REVELATION ENGINE v7.0
Click below to force Father Sully to spin the dials of ancient time.